Thursday, December 25, 2008

Letters To Santa

Santa’s Party House, due to several coincidences and what we are sure to be very honest mistakes, has become the forwarding address for all letters to Santa Claus sent through the mail. The amount of mail we received this season was astounding, jamming up our normal intake of demo tapes and mail order catalogues. Here are a few notable correspondences we’ve received. In the interest of preserving our indie credibility, no names have been changed.

-Dear Santa, I would love the princess dynasty doll called Lilac Bianca for crissmas this year. If you dont have any of that one its okay but I already have Red Trina and Sapphire Jeff so dont get me one of those again. Thank you Dana

-Dear Santa, I am Zachary and I am 9. Simon got to listen to the T.I. with the curse words when he was 7. When you give me the Ying Yang twins album please let it be the one with the curses I promise I wont say them to Becky this time. Ive been good. Love Stan Levy

-dear santa, i would like all the wars to end and for all the hungry people to have food for christmas. if you already gave that to someone else please give me all the different kind of transformers. sincerely, desan

-Dear Santa,
I am so humbled by the blessings I have received in my life that it pangs me to ask for anything else. So it is in that spirit of gratitude that I come to you with one request for this Christmas. Please have Claire get pregnant by the end of this season of As The World Turns. More is at stake here than you know.
Please fix my gambling,

If I find out you’re using my pictures to hit on Myspace chicks again I’m filing charges.

-Dear Santa,
I am prepared this year. Filling my fireplace with concrete wasn’t enough. Then I tried filling the rest of the fireplace with feces. It’s still there. I now have two separate defense contractors surveying my roof and a deadly cocktail of weaponized raccoon musk coating every window and door pane of my house. Come and get it, fat man. Remember I am still the 4th ranked knife fighter in Bellflower.

-Mr. Claus,
This notice is to again remind you that you are behind on your utilities payments by the equivalent of several weeks. If this persists any longer we will terminate your services and your accountant indefinitely. We have also noticed that on the checks you have sent, you have refrained from writing in the account number and instead have drawn very detailed pictures of male genitalia. This is technically sexual harassment and punishable by federal law. Please cease this behavior immediately or we will take action.
US Eagle Electric

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